Welcome Back! To The Margarita Zone!
by caucasiandad
Summary: SPOILERS! IF YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED JOSEPH'S STORY AND WISH TO WITHOUT ANY SPOILERS, STOP READING NOW! thanks. Arnold pitied himself over the summer after losing his heart to Joseph. Will he be able to over come the heartbreak and be there for Joseph when Joseph... "needs" him?
1. Prologue

**Chapter 1: Prologue**

 _AN: I hope that this chapter isn't too boring. It's a prologue, after all, so nothing really happens. If you haven't finished Joseph's third date yet, I would recommend doing that as this story will be a continuation of his "good" ending. This chapter will also completely spoil the ending, so if you don't want it spoiled, please go finish it and then come back and read this after._

 _Thanks guys, hope you like it?_

* * *

The summer leading up to Amanda leaving for college was okay.

Her graduation party was awesome; aside from it being the setting in which Joseph un-professed his love for me. I just didn't get it—I still don't. He said he had to do right by his family, but from what I have gathered, they're miserable. Maybe a change in pace would have been right for his family?

I just can't believe that after the night we had… If he hadn't made up his mind yet, why would he lead me on like that? That night, on his yacht, was… beyond words. There was something there, something more than an easy rebound. At least I thought there was.

No one else in the cul-de-sac seemed to be aware of the little rift between Joseph and I. We still had barbeques as normal. Everyone treated us normal. Hell, Joseph even acted completely normal. I'd honestly be questioning if it even happened if it weren't for Mary. She was the only one who acted differently—I mean, she had every reason to; still does.

I tried to avoid Joseph at all costs; still am. Things have become a bit easier as the days passed but to be completely honest, it killed me to have to be around him. To have to act normal and friendly. When I was invited to some sort of dad-gathering, I would try everything in the dad-book to get out of it. It was hard though, being away from everyone else and the fun, and letting people down just so I wouldn't have to bear seeing Joseph and his nice arms, cute smiles and winks... So I wouldn't have to be tortured with lust and guilt just by being near him.

Amanda doesn't know either. I feel like she has a sense, but it would be too weird for her to bring it up. I know she would feel out of place; asking her dad if he had a thing with the married youth minister. It's beyond uncomfortable.

Mary, however, almost played it like a game. She invited Robert and I out for drinks constantly. I declined some days, and some days Robert would ask me to go to the bar and there Mary would be, waiting to torture me.

The first couple of weeks after the… uh… "incident"... Mary was nowhere to be found. I spent that time down at Jim and Kim's drowning my misery in beer, The game, and shots of whisky courtesy of Robert; but Mary was absent.

"Tucked away in bed with her little husband," is what Robert grumbled. I think she may have been trying to avoid me. Going to different bars in different areas. Something like that. I only suspect this because one of the nights I was less-than babying a beer at a table alone, out of the corner of my eye, I caught her strutting into the bar; but by the time I thought to look up, I only saw a mere flash of her red hair outside rip past the window.

It would make sense also, if she had been cuddling up to Joseph, trying to make things right after their almost-divorce. If that was the case, it didn't last long. She was back swinging on boys in the bars in no time.

She would say things to me like, "you should really come over soon. I'm sure you miss hanging around with Joseph." And, "I think you may have left a pair of boxers on the yacht… what's your size?"

It was humiliating.

I think Robert might have been catching on, with Mary's "teasing" and all. He never brought it up though, so either he felt too weird or didn't care enough to ask. I respect him either way.

Despite making every day a constant pity party for myself, I did try to make Amanda's last summer before college as memorable as I could.

We went on a, not one, but two week camping/fishing trip with Brian, Daisy, and Maxwell. Over those fourteen days, I think I warmed up to Brian. The guy really does know how to fish. And not to brag, but I think I might be not too bad myself—thanks to my competent teacher, Brian.

He made some mean fire roasted trout.

Daisy and Amanda made a real strong bond too; it's humbling to see her making connections.

We spent the time eating good food, drinking good drinks, enjoying some good nature, and really, just having a good ol' time.

Amanda said she wants to do that every summer. I hope we do.

She also said she wants to go on Joseph's yacht every summer too. That I'm not as keen on.

We spent a day on his boat with him and Mary and the kids. I made excuse after excuse for it not to happen but Amanda was hell-bent on it.

"Why would you deprive me of such a privilege?" She cried, overdramatically imitating fainting. "Only fathers who hate their daughters don't let them ride on their good friends yachts!"Good friend? Maybe not.

She won't let me ditch either. For some reason it was an important "father-daughter" moment for her. I would not let my little girl down.

The yacht ride was… bearable. We only went out for a couple of hours. I sense Joseph and Mary both wanted to cut that adventure short. Amanda was oddly very interested with the mechanics of boating, which Joseph was beyond-himself-excited share. She made him promise her that he would teach her everything, and eventually get her behind the wheel.

I spent most of the time leaning against the rail, watching out for whales… Thankfully I didn't see any. Joseph tried to make small talk. So did Mary, but in a less pleasant way.

It was nice being on the boat, despite the circumstances withstanding. I made a point of staying above deck. And not drinking Twilight Rouge. And not looking at Joseph for longer than a second.

I played that night we had on the yacht over and over again in my head. Trying to decode every detail, to see what went wrong. Was it too fast? I mean, it was definitely too fast. You usually wait until you actually get a divorce, and maybe wait until the first official date before you take a guy below deck and well… go below deck with him.

As painful as that afternoon on the yacht was, I'm glad Amanda got to check out it out.

I barely remember the day I dropped her off at her dorm. It was barely a week ago, but I was in some kind of trance. Like a dad-leaving-his-daughter-alone-in-a-new-place-all-by-herself-for-the-first-time-ever trance. It was draining. She kept promising me she was going to be okay and I kept crying and telling her that on google it said the closest IKEA was only a 23 minute drive away and I would make sure I gave her money to decorate her dorm however she wanted. It was a weird day.

She's been calling me every night though to spill the beans on her A-M-A-Z-I-N-G college life. Hearing from her every day it making this emptiness a little easier to bear. She's already made a few friends. Her dorm-mate, Lauren, is apparently really crazy, but in a cool, fun, and exciting way. I'm comforted in seeing her find herself.

I'm sure as she get's more settled in I'll hear from her less and less, but it's a novelty I'll enjoy while it lasts.

Now that I finished my nice little recap, I think it's time to share the real news.

I received a call just over an hour ago. It was from Joseph. He said he needed to escape to The Margarita Zone, and asked me if he could come over around 9 after youth group.

So here I am, sitting at the breakfast bar, sweating like a pig, nervous as all hell, with a bottle of margarita mix in front of me, and poorly constructed, taped printer paper sign with words above my head reading:

 **Welcome Back! To The Margarita Zone!**


	2. Story Time With A Heart Of Gold

**Chapter 2: Story Time With A Heart Of Gold**

 _AN: Just as a side note, I may or may not go back into chapters and edit small things as I continue the story. I'll post it somewhere so it's known when I made changes._

 _Also, if you want, you can listen to "Heart of Gold" by Neil Young while reading this chapter, since they listen to it in the chapter... I might make, like, a "Margarita Zone" playlist of songs they'd be listening to. So, uh, leave a review if you think that's a good idea? I appreciate reviews, even is they're critical._

 _Thanks, pals._

 _EDIT: I made a Margarita Zone Playlist. (Link located in my bio)_

* * *

 **9:08pm**

I sigh when I see the time on the stove.

I press play on the playlist I frantically made, hoping it will distract me.

He's not coming is he? The church isn't even an eight minute walk away let alone an eight minute drive. This was so stupid, why would I think he—

There's a strong knock at the door.

I trip over the leg rest of the stool as I get off my sorry buns.

My heart goes from a slow sad lump to an offbeat anxious mess as I stumble my way to the door. I try to compose myself by fixing my glasses, my hair, my shirt, my pants… Oh yeah, I have to let him in.

I open the door to reveal a tall, muscular Joseph standing on my porch, looking pitifully down at his feet. He glances up without moving his head and looks at me beneath his eyebrows.

"Hi Arnold," he almost whispers with the a sad smile.

"Joseph, Hi! Wasn't expecting you, heh, uh, yeah come in, come in…" I stumble (again) backwards towards the breakfast bar.

Joseph takes in my setup and I can see him immediately relax.

"Wow, Arnold, you… you're just the best. Thank you. Thank you so much." He touches the Christmas lights I pulled out from the basement.

"Yeah, I know the red and green doesn't really scream _Margarita Zone_ , but I had to improvise on such short notice." I nudge him with my elbow.

"I'll make sure to give you more time to prepare next time," he says, giving me the signature Joseph smirk-wink.

I'm weak. Maybe this was a bad idea. I can't be around him without becoming sickeningly infatuated. Everything about him is just so… familiar and comfortable. He makes me feel so sure of myself. He fills me with desire.

"Thank you, that would be greatly appreciated."

We make awkward small talk while Joseph prepares margaritas for us. He's the expert, apparently, so I let him do his thing. The small talk gives me more energy to focus on watching him artfully craft our drinks. I daydream about having this every day; Joseph coming home to me, making us drinks, we laugh, we kiss, we're happy. Mesmerized, I almost forget that that's not the case.

Josephs face lights up when _Heart of Gold_ by Neil Young starts playing.

"How'd you know this was my favourite song?" He says while dancing to it. I have to admit, its a hard song to dance to, but he somehow looks so good while doing it.

"I could tell you were a man of impeccable taste." I say with a wink.

He grabs my hands and guides me in an impromptu dance. I have no idea what we're doing but it's nice. I love seeing him genuinely enjoy himself, especially when it's with me.

When the song is over, we settle down on my worn out, old couch. "Not Margarita Zone worthy, I'm sorry, I know."

Joseph touches my knee, "no, it's perfect." He set's his drink on the coffee table. "I know this was really out of the blue, and, I appreciate you doing this for me. I really do. I thought things were going to change, and—I know it's selfish of me to come to you with my problems. You don't deserve this. I've just really been weighed down by a lot lately. It's nice to be able to escape and have a drink with a friend like you."

 _A friend like me._ It stings a bit. "I'm here for you Joseph, I'm here whenever you need me. You can vent to me about anything, it's okay. It's not selfish. You deal with a lot, you deserve this."

He takes a long sip of his margarita, "Are you sure?"

"Joseph, I'm sure."

"I'm really grateful to have you as a friend. You don't mind if I vent? Even if it's about Mary?"

Oh god. This is a bad idea. It's almost like before. Drinking, alone, Joseph complaining about his wife. The same wife that he's married to. The same wife that's making him unavailable. Next he's going to tell me they've decided to separate and he wants to crash at my house. Then there's no stopping what will happen next.

"Go ahead… buddy." I'm ridiculous.

He smiles softly and looks into my eyes, pausing this way for a little bit too long. "Can I sort of, start from the beginning? Mary and I have a weird… hm I'm not sure how to word this… Our relationship started on weird terms… I've never really shared this with anyone."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm all ears."

"Thank you Arnie—" Arnie? My heart pangs "—I told you I kind of led myself astray when I was younger. Well, that actually lasted a long time. I went to college and after I graduated, I felt like I needed something… more. Anyways, I was in my thirties before I realized I needed to follow the path I was meant to be on. I grew up with a religious family. My dad always wanted me to serve God as a minister, pastor, something along those lines. I had gone to a christian college and that was sort of where I had planned on ending up; in the church. I did a sort of apprenticeship at our church for about a year before our Youth Minister moved out of town and they asked me if I would like to be the new Youth Minister. I mean, that was sort of my dream job. Well aside from being a ship captain. I love children, it was the perfect opportunity. Is it still okay if I go on? I know you're not religious."

"Of course." I down my drink. Maybe that will make this easier. "As long as you make me another drink."

"Coming right up my dear friend," he says giving my arm a squeeze. He gets up to make us more drinks. He continues to talk over the sound of the blender. "Anyways, Mary and her family went to our church, and after I was officially ordained and welcomed as a member of the church, Mary's dad introduced us and sort of implied that we should go on a date. Mind you, I was thirty-three and Mary was nineteen. It still makes me uncomfortable to this day that she was so young, but, that's sort of normal for some people. Especially church folk who are a bit more… traditional. You know, young women marry men who have established a title and income for themselves, so they can be taken care of and start having children before they get old. I'm not saying the entire church is like that, it's just a bit more… common to find religious people who share those old school values." He hands me my drink. "I'm sorry, if it's a bit strong."

I take a sip and it's definitely a lot stronger than the last. Yikes.

Joseph sits back down beside me, but close enough this time that our legs are touching.

"You still with me Arnie?" Again with the Arnie. "So Mary and I start dating and she's in college, she's young, she's wild. I loved it. It reminded me so much of myself. She just didn't care. She did such crazy and adventurous stuff. However, she was much more… I don't know. She was a party girl. That I wasn't into as much. I loved the carefree part, not so much the partying part. It put a huge strain on our relationship honestly. I didn't think I would ever marry her. I wanted adventure within the realms of not being worried about what everyone thinks and trying to find yourself. She was more in the realm of self-loathing and looking for validation.

"She didn't invite me out to parties—which I didn't mind because I didn't want to attend them—but she would break plans to do reckless things with her friends. She didn't care if she hurt me. She did drugs, a lot more than just Marijuana. She cheated on me, she did everything she could to hurt me. But I didn't feel like I had the right to get mad and stop her, you know? She was young. I didn't want to take that away from her by being her old, boring minister boyfriend.

"You know what she would call me? She would call me her Old Hot Rich Boyfriend, her Old Hot Rich Fiancé. That's who I was. That's how she would introduce me. 'Oh this is my Old Hot Rich Boyfriend, Joseph.' Isn't that just humiliating?

"So our relationship is on the rocks, and I'm just waiting for it to sort of fade out, when one day her dad asks me when I'm going to propose. We had only been together, like, six months, and I told him that I wasn't sure if Mary was in the place to settle down because she was doing irresponsible things, and he brushed it off by saying something like 'oh she's young, you can settle her down. You however, aren't getting any younger.' And it just got to me. I was in such a weird place, and I felt like this was the only chance to make a woman my wife. So I proposed. And the next summer, five months later, we had our wedding. I hadn't even been with her a year and I committed the rest of my life to her. Married to this young girl who could barely give me the time of day. That's so odd! Who wants their twenty year old daughter to marry a thirty-four year old man? That's just so bizarre. And for me even think about dating a girl so young is just so sickening. Don't you think?"

It was really weird. I didn't know there was such an age gap between them; they looked the same age. I guess Joseph aged beautifully and Mary… did not. "I think that's kind of weird yeah, but I don't think less of you for it."

"That's really kind of you to say. Thank you. Just before we got Married we bought a house together. It's not the one we live in now, it was only two bedroom but it was very spacious. We lived there until she got pregnant with the twins. It was only about ten minutes from here. But once we moved in together she sort of toned down a bit. I guess having to spend time with me and realizing that we were actually committed to each other was sort of a wake up call? Instead of going out to some crazy sorority party, she would have people over at the house to drink instead. That sort of thing. I had a bit more control. It was a lot easier on me.

"But sometimes she would just get… weird. Like she would try to get me to, um," he hesitates and clears his throat, "to have sex with her friends. She would get pretty drunk and start trying to pawn them off on me. Like, 'my husband is so hot, don't you want him?' And she would try to get me to undress. I would have multiple naked young girls, including my wife, in my living room and I just didn't know what to do. Then they would just," he hesitates again, looking off into another world, "do things amongst themselves. I guess maybe I didn't give her enough affection? I've never told anyone that. I hate that that happened. I've never even brought it up to Mary. Thank you for letting me tell you. I feel disgusting." He rests his head in his hands.

"Hey, Joseph," I put my arm around him for comfort, "hey you can tell me anything. I'm sorry that happened. That's pretty weird… buddy… but it's not your fault."

"Thanks… I guess Mary and I have just never had a good relationship. I've never known her to be sober for more than a few days at a time, aside from when she was pregnant. I'm sure she still drank, but just hid it from me. I've never been able to give her what she deserves either, but I just love her so much so I keep trying. I thought maybe her paternal instincts would kick in or something once we had kids and she would stop drinking and be happy but that didn't happen. I just keep hoping and trying. We've had a lot of good times though, and I try to hold on to those. It might just be empty faith. But then again so might be my faith in God, but here I am, employed to serve Him.

"I thought things were really going to get better. After, uh, Mary and I took our little break, we had such a big conversation. I genuinely thought things would improve. I guess maybe things will never be better."

Joseph leans into me and I can feel his body unwind.

My stomach flutters. I haven't been this close to him since the night on his yacht. He feels so vulnerable in my arms. I lean into him as well, embracing his warmth and graciously taking in his soft, woody, scent.

"Can I stay the night?" Joseph asks, weakly.

"Uh," I glance at the clock.

 **11:21pm**

When did it get so late?

"I just, need a little bit of time away from home. I already told Mary I wouldn't be home." He leans into me further. I have a feeling he might be pretty intoxicated.

"Yeah, anything you need. Where did you tell her you'll be? Won't she see your car next door... in front of mine?"

"She knows, Arnie."

She knows? She knows what? I don't pry as he seems very tired and very out of it.

"Thanks so much for listening to me, Arn. I needed that. So badly. I've needed that for years and you gave it to me so that's why you're the best." He leans back, pushing me back against the couch. He looks up to me and smiles.

"No problem, Joseph. Glad I can be of assistance."

He moves his face very close to mine and stares at my lips as he says, "hey, can I sleep in your bed tonight? But, with you in it?"

My heart starts doing that thing again where it can't control itself and I feel like I'm going into cardiac arrest. This is a bad idea. I can't. He can't. I can't do this to myself, and to him, and Mary. But I want to so so bad.

"You can sleep in my bed-"

"Yes!"

"But not with me. I'm sorry Joseph, it's just not appropriate." My heart stops again. I feel sick having to say no.

"No, it's okay, I get it. I'm married. I'm sorry. I just miss you, but I gave that up and it was stupid to even ask. I way over stepped myself even asking you to have me over. Thanks so much for having me." He gets up stumbles towards the door.

He misses me.

"Hey, come here, you get my room." I support him and guide him to my bed. I'm not going to let him stagger home drunk to his undeserving wife.

He plops down on my bed and pulls off his shirt. Again, mesmerized by his perfectly toned, muscular body. Craig might honestly have some competition. He pulls off his socks and starts to unbuckle his belt. "Is this okay?"

I'm busy staring at him, and his question takes me off guard.

He chuckles, "not crossing any lines by taking off my slacks?"

I blush, which he definitely notices. "Nope! Continue with uh, removing your pants."

He smiles and bites his lip a bit. He's trying to tease me. He slides them off, leaving me with an awfully hot and provocative man sitting on my bed in his boxer briefs. I can't move. He's gorgeous.

"So, where will you sleep then?" He asks while he climbs under the top sheet. It's thin enough to preserve and outline his chiseled physique. I want to climb in bed with him so badly.

"In Amanda's room. So just holler if you need anything." I turn to leave the room, "Goodnight Joseph."

"Goodnight sweet Arnie." He blows a kiss at me and winks.

This guy is killing me.


	3. Bedroom Interlude

**Chapter 3:** **Bedroom Interlude**

 _AN: This chapter is short and cute. I like to wrap up each event separately to emphasize the tones and themes, and help them to be easily digested. The first three chapters would make sense as one, but it's a lot sweeter to read in smaller doses. That's my option at least._

 _Thanks for the read!_

* * *

I lay in Amanda's bed—which is surprisingly very comfortable—and stare blankly at the ceiling. The only light provided by the streetlamps outside, which are obnoxiously bright. I feel bad she had to put up with this.

Since Amanda took her comforter with her to college, I had to grab a blanket from the closet. I chose the pale yellow one with little flowers Alex's grandma made for Amanda when we adopted her. Most of the stitching has come out over the years, but it's warm and comfortable just the same. This used to be Amanda's favourite blanket.

My head is spinning. Partially because of the amount of tequila Joseph put in the margaritas, partially because I'm overwhelmed by tonight.

I can't get _Heart Of Gold_ out of my head either. I replay our dance over and over in my head while the song continues to loop on repeat. It reminds me of when we danced together at the youth mixer to liven the party mood. We make pretty good dance partners

Tonight happened almost exactly like I predicted; minus the part where Joseph tells me him and Mary are separating, which then caused me to axe the part where we… get freaky. But I did call that he would ask me to crash here. I'm sort of proud of myself for being right. No that's stupid; why is that something to be proud of? The man I'm extremely attracted to is in my bed across the hall, wearing only his underwear, intoxicated, wanting me. This would be perfect, _Heaven On Earth,_ if only submitting to Joseph's drunk desires didn't come with unpredictable consequences.

I think it's weird he didn't mention anything about our night on the yacht. He almost went out of his way _not_ to mention it. Maybe it didn't actually happen? Am I losing it? But wait, he said he misses me. So it did happen. He remembers it. He misses it. I guess maybe he feels uncomfortable bringing it up; I know I do. I haven't mentioned it to anyone. I wonder if he told Mary, or if she could just guess? Either way she knows and she's been rubbing it in my face.

I can't stop thinking about how Joseph acted before he went to bad. So much, _desire_ for me. Or maybe I just want it to be desire. I don't know. He's drunk so it probably doesn't mean anything anyways. I've never seen him drink around anyone else so maybe he gets like that with everyone. I feel like him and Mary would get along better if he drank with her and desired he that way; but I sense there's a lack of intimacy between them so maybe it is just me. Or maybe he doesn't want to desire Mary?

I'm overthinking things.

My mind wanders to lusting over Joseph instead. Replaying every detail of his body in my mind. I wish he was beside me, so he could put his arm around me—It made me feel so secure when he did the night on the boat—and so I could trace my finger around his body…

Arnold, stop.

I want to kiss him—all of him. He's so soft.

I miss him. He's only across the hallway…

As I start to longingly fall asleep, I'm brought to a hazy consciousness by someone climbing into the bed. It's Joseph.

I pretend to be asleep, as to not disrupt what it is he's doing; incase he was waiting until I fell asleep.

He puts his strong arm over me and nuzzles his head into my neck. Everything seems to melt away. It's just me and Joseph. I'm safe. We interlock ankles—as cliche as that sounds—and all I can feel is us. I've been waiting to be close to him like this again for months. It's like I had a really bad knot in back and it's just been worked out; I can finally relax.

A pure sense of relief washes over me and I quickly drift into a peacefully content sleep.

I wake up in the morning to the sight of Joseph, still in his boxers, standing in front of the bedroom window. He's facing away from me, which gives me some privacy to stare at his back, his thighs, and most importantly his butt.

I appreciate this still moment for a few minutes before Joseph turns around.

He catches me staring at him. "Oh, good morning," he says, taking a seat at my feet. "Did you sleep okay?"

I smile, still feeling a cloud of sleep in my head. "I slept perfect. Did _you_ sleep okay?"

Joseph nods and smiles at me. His expression becomes serious. "I'm sorry if I crossed a line by crawling in bed with you…"

"No!" My heart pangs. It's exactly what I wanted.

"I'm glad… I just… I think I needed that, especially in the moment. So thank you for letting me have that. Thank you for having me over."

"I'm happy it happened." I sit up next to him. I needed it too.

"You have a real heart of gold, Arnold." He grabs my knee.

I lean against him. "Thanks, Joseph, so do you."

We sit, nuzzled into each other for few, kind, moments.

"Hey Joseph," I ask, "want to stay for breakfast? I'll whip something up, my treat."

"That's a very sweet offer, Arnold," he says. He stands up and stretches. I get to see all of his muscles contract and relax; how is he so beautiful? "But I'm going to have to decline. I should really be getting home."

My heart does the sad thing again. "That's okay, I understand."

We share a few more words. Joseph dresses himself and I walk him out the door. I watch as he drives his car for two seconds around the cul-de-sac, and then into his driveway.

Everything is back to normal again. Like nothing. Even. Happened.


	4. The Green Queen

**Chapter 4: The Green Queen**

 _AN: Hi there, uh, here's a dumb chapter._

 _Have a good gay!_

* * *

It's been a few days since Joseph slept over.

I honestly feel a little bit betrayed. I can't believe he would ditch me so early in the morning. After opening up to me and sharing a bed with me… It really stings.

Following his escape that morning, I spent the rest of the day moping around the house. I was emotionally drained. What I desired, so badly, had been dropped into my lap; then without any warning, was snatched back up. Gone. Lost.

I was beyond ecstatic to spend the evening—the night, with Joseph. I thought something would come out of it—something would stick—like a best friendship, or at least the politeness to stay for breakfast. I feel like I was just tricked into a one-night stand.

Did Joseph just use me? Did he use me as an escape to The Margarita Zone? _All we can do is find The Margarita Zone whenever we can_ wasn't intended to mean you can use your friends to get there.

Are we even friends?

We haven't run into each other since, and I've been too upset to show up at his house or call or message him, so there hasn't been any contact. I guess we aren't friends.

The night I was moping around the house, Mat dragged me out to some little coffee shop—or was it a bar?—that had some guy who was singing, playing the guitar, harmonica, drums, and keyboard, all at the same time. A real one man band. He exclusively played covers of Neil Young, Bob Dylan, and Willie Nelson. It honestly really enjoyed it. I still can't get over how many instruments was capable of playing at once.

It was cool to catch up with Mat. The way he was treating me, though, made it seem like he knew. Like he knew what happened the night before with Joseph. I mean, Joseph's car was out front of my house all night; but that doesn't really mean anything. The way Mat forced me to come with was a bit weird, like he knew I was sulking around heartbroken. It didn't help that the one-man-band-guy played _Heart Of Gold_ which I 'had to go to the bathroom' for. Heart of gold? More like, ripped my heart right of my chest and threw it off a bridge… of gold.

I tried complicated lates and confusingly named beers from 'local indie breweries' suggested by Mat. Admittedly, he has a good taste.

Mat is a good guy. Still maybe a little too hip for me, though.

In the morning, Craig invited me for a run. We were out for a good portion of the morning; then followed up with brunch, like we usually do.

We've started playing this game we call _Anti-Wingman,_ where I try to scare off everyone who hits on him and tries to give him their number. I successfully anti-wingmanned four out of five people, but even more successfully got five out of five dirty looks. It was a good day, we called it a win.

"You're officially the best anti-wingman in history, Arn," Craig said after I fended off a girl who pulled me aside to ask me if he was single. I told her he's been single ever since his IBS became uncontrollable. I may have went a little too far with that one but Craig thought it was funny nonetheless.

After brunch we picked up Craig's girls and met up with Damian, Lucian, Hugo, and Earnest at the new Science Centre.

I had never been to the new one; it was real interesting and I think I learned some stuff. I felt really left out without Amanda though; being the only childless dad there.

I'm getting the sense may have they invited me out of pity… could everyone know?

Anyways, we were out pretty late with the kids; I didn't end up getting to bed until after one in the morning. I normally wouldn't mind a late night, except Brian had invited me to go with him and Maxwell down to the river this morning, so I was sort of relieved when he had to cancel.

He sent me a message on Dadbook that I didn't see until I was already awake and rarin' to go; now I can't fall back asleep.

I look at the clock.

 **9:13am**

I've been laying in bed for almost an hour now. I think it's about time I get on with the day… I really don't want to move though.

As alievedated as I am that Brian cancelled, I'm a bit bummed. I can't help but mope around pathetically whenever I'm cooped up in the house. With Amanda being gone, and Joseph… I've just been feeling really down. Not a lot of energy or motivation to do anything.

I've even been contemplating going into work.

Alex and I started a small Environmental Engineering Technology company together. We both graduated as engineers in that field and after working for Oil Companies who only employed us for our title—not for our knowledge on _green_ technology—we were morally driven to start our own practice.

We started _AAA_ _Green Technologies_ just after we adopted Amanda. For the most part, our company is small, we only have about fifteen full-time employees—then again, the environmental industry is small also. We mostly do contract work, so if we need more hands, we contract engineers, and hire temporary admins and manual labourers to keep us on schedule. Sometimes we have up to fifty people working on a job. We haven't been busy lately, so I haven't been going in to do any work.

After Alex died, I decided to step away, to be with Amanda. I promoted Hiren—who's been with us since the beginning—to Project Lead, so he could take over for me. The only thing I've really dealt with since is making approvals. Approvals for jobs, hires, fires, raises, bonuses, expansions, etc. Everyone else does the rest.

Alex' family was upset me with me when I first made the decision to become less involved. I didn't listen to them though. I know he would've wanted me to spend all my time with Amanda. They thought it was stupid of me to give my paycheque to someone else to run our company for me. I don't mind. Hiren makes more than I do, and he definitely deserves it. I don't even invest ten hours of my time a week to _AAA_ ; I keep just enough profits for us to live comfortably, then give the rest back to the company. That's why I have happy, willing, employees I guess.

I haven't stopped by the office in a while, today might be a good day to go see what's happening. I get out of bed and ready myself for the hour long commute into town.

 _AAA_ is based out of Victoria, but since a lot of our sales take place on the mainland, we have an office and workshop in Vancouver as well. However, today I'm just going to stop by the Victoria office.

I'm just about to get into the car when Joseph pulls up in front of my driveway.

"Hey Captain!" He calls through the rolled-down window. "Wanna come for brunch with Chris and I?"


	5. Sunshine Breakfast, Sunshine Man

**Chapter 5: Sunshine Breakfast, Sunshine Man**

 _AN: I looked up 'Maple Bay' and there's a town on Vancouver Island, like, an hour from Victoria, with a Yacht Club, called Maple Bay, so I decided to locate the story there. And like, I've been in the area a few times, so it's a bit familiar to me. Shine Cafe is a real place in Victoria and it's super cute; you can look it up. There's two. I set this at the one on Fort Street._

 _Also, disclaimer about throwing a stab at Oil Field companies lol. I work in the engineering department for an Oil Field company, so I mean, I don't think they're evil. Just kinda. Whoops._

 _Also, I made a playlist of Josephs music. It's linked in my bio._

 _Thanks._

* * *

My heart thumps and I gasp.

I close my car door and walk over to his SUV.

"Hey Joseph," I say with a crack in my voice, "I was just about to head to the office, otherwise I would have loved to." I lean on the drivers-door window frame.

Joseph throws his hands up. I missed him. "Aw man. In the city?"

He's listening to _Faith_ by George Michael. Not sure if it has some kind of religious connotation, or if Joseph is just a big fan of 80's pop music. Chris doesn't seem to be enjoying it from the back seat, by the look of his frown and crossed arms.

"Yeah, in the city."

"Well," Joseph smiles. "That's where we're heading. Chris wanted to go to _Shine Cafe._ I feel bad for ditching you on breakfast the other morning. I want to make up for it."

Does he know that's my favourite breakfast place of all time? Our office is in the same strip mall as _Shine_ ; Alex and I would go there all the time. I guess maybe I don't need to spend the day at work.

Also, he feels bad? Good.

"That place is actually right next door to the office…"

"Tell ya what. Hop in, and we can stop by there after we eat," Joseph says with a huge grin across his face. I cannot say no to that face.

My whole being is fluttering. Why does he keep popping back into my life? It's killing me. I'm beaming, nonetheless; I'm honored to be invited. I needed to get out of the house to distract myself from thoughts of Joseph. Being _with_ Joseph, is _sort of_ a distraction from him... I guess this counts?

"Okay, deal."

We drive for a bit before Joseph stops for gas, making small talk about work and all of the last-minute-end-of-summer road construction. He leaves me in the vehicle with Chris while he pumps gas.

"So, why aren't you in school today?" I ask after realizing it's a Monday morning.

Chris looks out the window. "My teacher made dad come pick me up because I was being bad."

Weird. "Oh? What did you do?"

"I hid in the storage room because everyone was too loud."

Still weird. "That doesn't sound like you were really... being bad?"

"I'm not supposed to hide in the storage room, I'm supposed to go to my teacher instead. They think I needed to go home so they sent me home." He keeps looking around but avoiding looking at me.

"Did you want to go home?" I ask as Joseph gets back into the car.

Chris shrugs. "Sometime's it's too loud at home too."

Joseph picks up on our conversation. "Well, it's quiet during the day." He turns his attention to me, speaking softly. "Chris had... _an episode..._ today, so his teacher thought it would be best for him to come home."

"I didn't. It was too loud. I needed quite. I didn't have an episode." Chris seems very irritated.

Joseph sighs. "Honey, but you can't hide in the storage closet."

Chris doesn't say anything, just stares out the window as we drive away.

The rest of the ride into the city is quiet and awkward. We listened to Joseph's music, which struck most of the conversation. It was an eccentric mix of 70s and 80s pop and rock, 90s grunge, modern indie… I'm not even quite sure to be honest. He was pretty passionate about every song that played though; having some sort of story to tag along with it. Whether it be seeing the band perform the song live, listening to it with his mom when he was a kid, or how it had impacted him.

There was an odd interlude of... surf music? Like T _he Beach Boys_ and stuff alike. Songs you would hear in Hawaii or a surfing movie. I mean, the man does love his boat. Maybe he loves surfing as well?

You learn a lot about a dude by his music taste.

 _Heart Of Gold_ came on and he sang along. He has a beautiful voice. I had to stare out the window so he couldn't see me tearing up.

 _You have a real heart of gold, Arnold._

My chest tenses.

He promised to play the guitar for me soon; and made me promise I would play for him too. I haven't played for years, so I'm not sure if that's a promise I'll keep. I'm excited to hear him play though. I've witnessed the other dads boast about his talents. Apparently, he performs every year for the church's _Battle of The Bands_. They said he would win every year too, if he were allowed to actually enter the competition.

We arrive at the cute breakfast cafe with bright yellow walls, and lime green wainscoting.

Chris got a water which he proceeded to pick every ice cube out of and set them on the window sill beside our table.

"So they can melt."

Joseph let him have it.

We all order a different unique spin on _Eggs Benedict_. Chris ordered the _Cali_ , Joseph ordered the _Spanakopita_ , and I ordered the _Clubhouse,_ as usual.

I watched Chris as he cut both of his bennies into 6 perfectly even pie slices. Joseph and I were both half done our food before he even started eating.

Awkwardly, I ask Joseph about Mary.

He scrunches up his face and answers in a high pitched voice, "she's… she's okay."

I'm about to swallow my food and produce with a response when Chris chimes in.

"Dad's lying. Mom isn't okay."

Joseph let's out a sigh.

Maybe I shouldn't have asked.

"But she's never really okay, I guess. She doesn't talk to us much either so we wouldn't know. She just yells." Chris seems unfazed by this.

Joseph gives me a distressed look. "He tells it like it is." He looks away from me. "I guess I'm too scared to do that."

I don't know what to say. This is really uncomfortable. Why did I bring up Mary? I'm so dumb. I was only trying to be polite but I definitely knew things weren't okay at home.

Chris shrugs. "Yeah, she thinks dad is have an _in-fair_ with you."

I literally choke on my food. The way he mispronounces _affair_ makes it worse. He's quoting his mother. He probably doesn't even know what that means.

"That's enough pumpkin," Joseph says, worn. "I'm not having an affair with anyone. I'm sorry mom said that. She was having a bad day."

Chris looks directly into his father's eyes. "She always is." This is the first time I've ever seen him make eye contact. It's weird. The way he says it is weird too; almost like he's offput by Joseph saying she had a bad day.

Joseph puts a hand on my thigh. "Honestly, things have still been really rough. It's pretty tense around the house. We're trying to work it out though." He turns to Chris. "I think it's good that you're honest about this, Chris. Do you want to tell me how you feel about all of this, pumpkin?"

"Well," he looks delicately down at his plate, "I don't really like mom. She's not very nice to us. She calls me stupid and makes me cry. I don't like when she's at home because of the way she is mean to everyone. Dad tries to be nice to her, and kiss her, but she won't let him. She says she regrets having Crish, and I think that makes dad upset. Crish is just a baby, I don't know why mom doesn't like her. Mom makes her cry too. And Christie and Christian cry too. And Dad."

Chris looks up, nervously.

"I'm so sorry honey." Joseph's voice is weak, defeated.

"I wish you were having an in-fair, because then maybe Mom would leave. And then, we would be happy."

My heart is literally broken. Mary once told me their smiles were fake, and I believed her, but I didn't know they were this fake. Chris wants his own mother out of the picture? That's almost unbearable for me to think about. It would be selfish to call myself a homewrecker, when the homewrecker is living within their house.

Why is Joseph so adamant about making things work, when Mary is obviously so terrible? Is it blind love? That doesn't make sense because Joseph opened up to me; he knows what she's doing. Why try to make it work for family's sake, when the family doesn't even want it to work?

Joseph's eyes are red and glossy. He's holding back tears. "Um, Chris, would it uh," he coughs, "would it make you happy if mom and dad got a divorce?"

Wow. This is intense.

Chris shrugs. "I guess so."

"Okay, sweetheart. Thank you for being honest with me.

Chris shrugs again and goes back to meticulously eating his food.

"You okay, Joseph?" I say, running my hand along his thigh.

He makes some sort of noise, chokes down the last bite of his food, and excuses himself to the washroom.

Chris stares at me while finishing our food. I try to smile at him, but he just continues to stare. Why does this kid make me so uncomfortable?

Joseph comes back and pulls out a few twenty dollar bills from his pocket.

"Um, Arnold, I have to take Chris to Mary's sister, Lydia's house. Is it okay if I leave you with cash to cover the bill, my treat, then you can go over to your office and," he hesitates a second, "uh, then I'll come pick you up?"

I nod. "Yeah for sure. Anything you want."

Joseph smiles, halfheartedly. "Thank you. Lydia doesn't live too far, so I shouldn't be long, but uh, take your time. I'm in no rush. We can hang out, and uh, talk, if you want."

"That sounds perfect. Not a problem." I'm so flustered. I'm not even sure why; just, so much is happening.

Joseph gives me a little side-hug while I'm still sitting and leaves.

The bill came to _$49.51_ including mine. Joseph left me eighty dollars. I'm not really sure what to do but I leave a ten dollar tip and pocket the other twenty to give him back later.

I awkwardly check in with everyone at the office. Hiren pulls me aside to have a small meeting where we catch up on some little things. Karen, the receptionist is leaving in a month because she's moving, so we have to fill her position. The client for the generator wanted some paperwork redone that I need to check off on; yada yada.

I message Joseph and tell him to get Karen to bring him to my office when he gets back, since I have a few things to work on.

I haven't been in here for almost three weeks. I'm happy to see that someone was watering my plants. There's a small stack of approvals on my desk I begin working on.

I've barely finished the last one when there's a knock at my door. I look up and see Karen standing beside Joseph.

"Hey! Yeah, come in!" I chirp, motioning my arms for him to come forwards.

Joseph smiles and walks around, checking out my small office.

"Look at you, in your presidential office." He takes a seat in the armchair in front of my desk. "I forgot to say earlier, but you look very sharp."

I blush. He's so charming.

"Why thank you, so do you."

He's wearing a white short-sleeved button up shirt that has little ship steering wheels on it. It looks like he found it in the junior section; but that man does love his boats.

I, on the other hand, threw on my baby blue suit jacket, a white button up shirt, and navy blue slacks. It's probably my favourite business-outfit.

Joseph leans on my desk and grabs my hand. "So, do you want to talk now… or later?"

I check to make sure no one is in the hallway outside of the open door. This could start some rumours. I'm getting an intimate vibe from Joseph. This isn't the time _or_ place for this. Plus, he's really having some issues at home, which I think are a bit pressing and should be talked about.

I squeeze his hand. "Hey Joseph, I think we should talk now. Or at least, go somewhere to talk. I didn't know things were so bad at home."

His face drops a bit, but he nods. "Yeah, I agree. I decided it was best if the kids weren't at home until things settle down a bit, so I asked Lydia if she would pick up Christie and Christian from school and Crish from daycare and look after them for the week. So we can go back to my place and I guess, have the house to ourselves? Mary's staying with a friend or something in the City here. She works here so it's less of a commute for her anyways."

What a good idea. Alone in a big house with Joseph. He's emotionally compromised. His wife provides no love and support for him. He find comfort in me. What could go wrong?


	6. 3 R's Regret Remorse and Reconciliation

**Chapter 6: The 3 R's: Regret, Remorse, and** **Reconciliation**

 _AN: A lot happens in the chapter. I'm excited to post it. lol_

 _:)_

 _EDIT: I made a typo and put that Alex and Arnold graduated in '83, it was supposed to be '93 lol._

* * *

We head back to Maple Bay and Joseph explains some things for me.

Chris has autism. He has a hard time at school, and especially lately with what's going on at home, he's been acting out and doing things such as hiding in the storage room. Joseph frequently has to come by to take him home. He tries to do things that Chris likes like taking him out for breakfast. I think that's nice. I also think it's nice how he genuinely listened to Chris and took his opinions into consideration.

Lydia, Mary's sister, is a youth psychologist and she spends time with Chris as a support system; sort of like therapy but not as formal. She really cares about Joseph and Mary's kids and Joseph said she's grown distant with Mary over the years. He said it's hard for him to see that. He's closer to Lydia than his own sister.

Mary works in Victoria as a Lawyer's Assistant. Joseph said they don't really need the money but she insisted on wanting a job. She drops Crish off at a daycare near her work during the day so Joseph can do his business at the church.

Their life seems so normal.

We get to his house. It's messier than usual. Mood is set.

"Hey, want a drink?" Joseph asks, leading me into the kitchen.

I look at the clock on the microwave. "Uh, Joseph, it's barely one…"

He smiles, embarrassed. "I didn't realize. Virgin margaritas then?"

"You are The Margarita King. However, it's five o'clock somewhere and I have nowhere to be... so make them doubles."

He leans into me like he's about to kiss me, then steps away, flustered. I want to pull him back into me...

We sit down on the loveseat in the living room with our afternoon margaritas—knees touching.

"So, triple eh?" Joseph asks, then takes a sip of his drink.

I'm confused by what he's talking about, and then realize he's talking about the business; _AAA_.

"Ah yes. Alex, Arnold, and Amanda. We opened it after Amanda was born; thought it was a cute name," I respond, also taking a sip of my drink.

Joseph chuckles. "That it is. Tell me about Alex. I mean, if you don't mind."

I grab his alcohol free hand. "No, I don't mind. I haven't talked about him for so long. Um, he was tall, dark, and handsome; the classic dream guy. We were highschool sweethearts, graduated together in '93. He died in '05, when he was thirty. Amanda was six…"

"I'm so sorry," Joseph squeezes my hand back. "What happened?"

I sit back, and stare longingly at the ceiling. "A brain aneurysm. It ruptured in the car, on our way home from work work. He was driving. It was terrifying."

Joseph is shaking his head. "I'm so sorry," he says again but in a whisper.

"We were at a red light, thankfully, so no one else was hurt. He said he was feeling sick so we left work a bit early. He wanted to drive though. He loved driving. He always drove... We were stopped, and then light went green, and the car didn't move. I said 'honey, the light is green,' and he didn't respond. I looked over and he was drooped back in his seat, then fell forward. His head was pressing on the horn and I couldn't tell if the noise was from our car or the cars behind us. It was probably both. I started yelling and grabbing him, then got out of the car and called 911. Some people got out of their cars too, to see what was going on, and to try to help. No one knew what to do. He was still technically alive when the paramedics got there but he had lost all brain function. He didn't make it to the hospital."

I don't think I've ever told anyone exactly what happened. It was always too hard to talk about, but I feel comfortable around Joseph. He makes me feel safe.

"That's horrible that you had to see him like that."

I can tell Joseph doesn't know what to say. That's okay though; I wouldn't either.

"I've never been able to get the image out of my mind, of him... dying. It's sort of nice to get off my chest, after so long. Thanks for being here."

"I'm always here," he says delicately, squeezing my hand.

"Well now that I've ruined the mood;" I giggle and look down shyly. " Alex was an amazing man. He cared so deeply for Amanda and I. We had a lot of fun together. You would've liked him. Or maybe not, since he would have made me unavailable, being my husband and all…" I give Joseph a wink.

He lets out a generous laugh. "You're very cheeky." He winks back at me.

I smile and lean against him. "Everything happens for a reason, I guess. But I miss him a lot. Things have gotten a lot easier over the years. But I just always have that fear, in the back of my mind, of losing people."

Joseph lets go of my hand and clutches my shoulder, rubbing his other hand gently along my thigh. "I hope I don't ever lose you."

I hope I never lose him also. I already have, once. I don't want to lose him again. I don't even have him… yet it feels like I do. I yearn to have so much more of him, But I would be content, for the rest of my life, if we were forever able to have these little escapes together. That would be enough. Just a little sprinkle of Joseph, here and there.

My head starts spinning. I look at our cups that are now empty. The alcohol is hitting.

I let myself fall into Joseph, feeling his strong, warm body all around mine. I'm lost in a trance of his comforting, woody smell. It brings me back to the night on his yacht. And the night in my bed. I'm suddenly very aware of my desire for him—and how close we are together. I feel a yearning for him inside of me, filling my stomach, my chest. My breathing begins to increase, harshly. I want him. Bad.

I turn to face him. He's dizzily looking me up and down, biting his lip. His breathing shifts as well; I can feel his desire. Slowly, carefully, he leans forward and our lips touch. We start kissing, slowly at first, then it becomes aggressive. He grabs me and pulls me on top of him, so I'm straddling his thighs. Frantically, he pulls off my suit jacket.

I can feel each of our atoms, pulling us together, closer, attracted to one another. It's like we're the only two beings in the entire universe; Joseph, and I. Nothing else matters. The urgency for us to be as one is overwhelming.

I've been waiting for this all summer.

I grab his hair between my fingers and guide his head. His taste and feel are so familiar. I can't believe I went so long without experiencing them. I can't believe I went so long without his commanding arms around me; his strong, overwhelming body rubbing against me. I can't believe I went so long without _him._

 _I need more._

He forces my shirt to untuck from my pants, then runs his gentle fingers up and down my back. He grabs firmly at my hips, pulling me into him. I begin grinding myself against him; I can feel something bulging under his pants. He wraps his arms around me, bringing my closer. I'm pressed up against his chest, our bodies muddled together. He begins kissing and biting my neck.

I open my eyes, lost in our moment. Everything is blurry and spinning. I can barely keep up with what's hapening.

Out of the corner of my eye I catch a glimpse of Joseph and Mary's wedding photo hanging on the wall. Sobriety hits me. I'm immediately washed with a waterfall of guilt. My stomach knots.

"No," I stutter, pulling myself off of Joseph. I stumble backwards into the coffee table.

Joseph looks up at me, frazzled. His hair is a mess, his cheeks flushed; lips red and swollen. He's slumped into the couch, shirt untucked. Taken aback, he pants, "I'm sorry."

I catch my breath and my balance. "No, Joseph, I'm sorry. I really wanted that. I just…" I think about Mary. As much as she doesn't deserve Joseph, she doesn't deserve this either. "I don't want to stir the pot with you and Mary. You're still married. You're still together and… I don't just want to be your fling. I like you a lot. And after what happened on the yacht… This needs to be for real. I don't want to get my heart broken like that again."

Josephs presence diminishes. In a small voice he says, "You're right, I get that. I'm Sorry." He stares blankly towards the ground. "You're welcome to leave, if you want."

My heart skips. I never want to leave. "No, no, it's okay." I take a seat back beside him. A tendril of his supple, blonde, hair is flopped down against his forehead. It looks so cute. I smirk and appreciate it for a moment before brushing it back up where it belongs.

Joseph smiles and blushes.

"I don't want you to be a _fling_ either. I didn't mean for that to happen…" He murmurs.

"Too much tequila," I say. We both giggle.

Joseph stares off blankly again. We sit in silence for a few moment before he says, "Mary hasn't kissed me in months. Maybe even years."

I look at him, shocked. My heart sinks. "That's so sad. Alex and I never went a day we were together without a kiss…"

"You and I have kissed more, recently, than Mary I have in a long time." He chuckles under his breath. "I try to kiss her, but she never kisses me back. It's like our lips touch, and instead of it being my wife's lips on the other side of mine, it's a mannequin's. Unable to kiss me."

I frown, and nod, I'm not sure what to say. I can't imagine being faced with that level of rejection every day.

Joseph sighs. "Not that we've had sex _recently_ , but even we did, there was no intimacy. No kissing. Just… sex."

The air in the room is completely still. I can hear the whirring of the air conditioning, the buzzing of the lights—mine and Joseph's breathing, thin and out of sync.

Josephs capable, firm hand rests itself on top of my thigh. He looks around, empty.

"I didn't know things were so bad with Mary," I say to Joseph to break the silence.

"Me either," he responds. "I guess I was just blind to it. Our relationship was never very good, so I didn't even notice how down hill it had gone."

He cuddles into me, grabbing hold of my shirt, seeking comfort. I put my arm around him and gently rub his back.

"I mean, it's affecting the kids," Joseph says, letting out a pale sob. "I'm a terrible father. I thought I could somehow fix things… but I shouldn't have let this go on so long. It's obviously not going to change. We're not meant to be together." He becomes weak, limp in my arms, like a hurt child.

"Hey, Joseph, you couldn't have known things would end up this way. You had only good intentions." I'm trying so hard to provide solace for him; I've never been very good at this sort of thing. I'm better at distractions, but this doesn't seem like the time.

Joseph sits up, uneasily, placing both hands on my thigh. "Arnold, can I be completely honest with you?"

I raise an eyebrow. "Of course."

"I've never really, I guess, told anybody this. And I've barely come to terms with it myself. I mean, you've probably picked up on this since well… uh…" he pauses, searching for something to say, " well I'm pretty sure I'm gay."

He's right. I have picked up on this. His obvious lack of sexual attraction to Mary, no matter how much he loves her. His definite infatuation with me (or at least I think it's infatuation), a gay man. No wonder there's such a strain on their relationship. He doesn't love her in the ways she needs her husband to love her.

I'm really not sure what to say or do. _I know?_ Or, _Wow, I'm shocked?_

I grab his hands, and look at him, waiting for him to say more.

"I grew up in a home-and a community-where it was not really accepted to be gay. So I just took it upon myself to believe I wasn't. Because even if I was, I would have to hide it. I never thought my lack of attraction towards women to be abnormal. I definitely would… fantasize about men, but it's not like the thoughts were overpowering, so I didn't think anything of it. I guess there's been times where I sort of came to the realization... But I second guessed myself. Being gay is a sin. Divorce is a sin. All the morals engraved into me pointed towards leaving Mary for a man to be a horrible, unforgiving thing."

I sort of… pity him?

"And then we met… and you mentioned you were gay. It kinda…" He waves his hands around, looking for words, "well it sparked my interest. We started spending time together, I got to know you, and I could really envision myself being with you." He stops looking into my eyes, yearningly. "I'm sorry if this is a lot, Arnold."

I shake my head, wanting him to continue. I can't breath, or think, let alone talk.

"Well the subject of divorce wasn't used sparingly in mine and Mary's relationship so I thought, 'ya know, this is what I need,' and talked to Mary about splitting up. It was going to happen. I was staying on the yacht and after our night together, I went home to spend time with the kids and check on Mary. She was doing awful. I felt so… grossly culpable for what happened between us. Like I was solely responsible for Mary's unhappiness. I was off, sleeping with another man while my wife was at home, miserable. And she just let it out on me. Making me feel even more shitty about myself and what I had done. I didn't really tell her that we slept together, but I guess she just knew. I don't know if was the way I was acting or… I don't know. But she started creaming and crying about all the years she wasted with me, only for me to leave her for a man. I couldn't handle it. I was disgusted with myself. I felt like I had ruined her life. I wanted to make things right between us..." He loses track of his thoughts, dizzily looking around the room. "I wasn't able to do that though. The only thing I accomplished was hurting the only person I genuinely felt cared for by… and genuinely wanted to spend all of my time with."

Joseph collapses into himself. I embrace him, wishing him comfort but not knowing what else to do. He's crying, but nearly silently. I feel him heaving under me, his breathing unsettled.

It's fulfilling to hear the truth-Joseph honestly has feelings for me. I would be jumping for joy right now, except for the fact that his real feelings are giving him immense pain and turmoil.

I rock him, and try soothing him with a, "shhh, it's okay."

He pulls back, red eyed, red raced. His mouth is open, but twisted into a frown. His brows are scrunched above his damp eyes. "What I did to you is not okay! I knew I hurt you, I knew what I did was an absolutely scummy thing to do; but I still did it and I didn't do anything about it. I left you hanging. I couldn't even face what I did to you.

"And then when you let me stay at your house last week… I was so thankful but I felt so guilty still from the night on the yacht, I couldn't bear to tease you by staying for breakfast. I shouldn't have even stayed the night, but I was drunk and hurting…" He pauses flustered, angry almost. "Thank you for letting me stay over," he says strongly, just as flustered and angry.

I snicker at how cute he is, despite his overwhelming emotions. "Yeah, no problem."

He smiles at me, empathetically. "I didn't want you to be upset after… so I asked the dads to keep you busy. That's probably really weird but I didn't know what else to do."  
"Yeah, I sort of got the feeling they were hanging out with me out of pity," I sigh.

"I promise I didn't tell them about what happened between us. I just said you needed company," Joseph says, his eyes furrowed with worry.

"No, it's fine. Thank you for doing that."

Joseph leans in and squeezes me.

"I don't know what to do, Arnold," he says into my neck. I feel his breath, warm and moist on my ear.

"Do what you need to do, Joseph," I say back. My voice is empty. I'm too busy thinking about… well I don't even know; just thinking. My brain is full. Full of intimate thoughts of Joseph; thoughts of Mary and Joseph fighting; thoughts of Alex…

I feel a soft kiss on my neck. Why does he do this to me?

"Maybe I need some time alone with my thoughts," says a sniffly Joseph, into my shoulder. "But I don't want you to leave me."

I run my fingers through his soft, blonde hair. "I won't leave you forever."

"Okay, but please don't leave yet. I don't want to be alone yet." His voice is strained, but somehow still warm and comfortable. He ties his arms around my waist, securing our embrace.

"Okay, Joseph. I'll stay with you." I nestle my head against his. I don't ever want to leave him. I want to stay this way forever; interlocked. Joined together as one. Safe.


	7. A Short, Catalystic Interruption

**Chapter 7: A Short, Catalystic** **Interruption**

 _AN: This chapter is super short. I wanted to set a tone for the upcoming chapter(s)._

 _Also, I know "Catalystic" isn't a word, but I wanted to change the word "Catalyst" into an adjective so it would work smoothly in the chapter title._

 _Thanks! :)_

* * *

I walk home from Joseph's, after spending the night.

He needs alone time to get his thoughts straight. I do too. He didn't want to be alone for the night however, so I stayed with him. We went to bed around eight—feeling exhausted from all the crying and overbearing emotions—and slept in until nine. I think we both needed that.

We spent the rest of the evening, after I was (maybe) able to calm him down, watching classic 80s films—including _Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller's Day Off,_ and _Stand By Me._ The only conversation upheld by movie commentary. Joseph is a real talker during movies, but not in an obnoxious way where he constantly asks questions and reiterated what he doesn't understand. He's more of a passionate movie-talker; explaining what he thinks the director did really well, why a scene has so much impact, etc. He's really passionate about them 80s movies.

I'm almost done the fifteen second walk from Joseph's front porch to mine when I hear Robert call over from next door.

"Hey! Arnold!" He yells, stepping out from behind his truck. He has the hood up; must be working on something. I should really get him to check out my engines stuttering...

"Oh hey, Robert!" I call back. "I didn't see you there."

He saunters towards me, wiping his grubby hands onto an even grubbier towel. He raises an eyebrow. "Doing the walk of shame, eh?"

I raise both of my eyebrows back, and let out a scoff. "No! No, we just uh, it was late and I was too tired to walk home—"

"Too tired to walk to your home… next door?" Robert asks, raising his eyebrow even further, looking back and forth between our houses, dramatically.

I shrug, embarrassed. We also definitely went to bed earlier than most kindergarteners do.

Robert snorts and shakes his head. "Kinda like that night last week? Was Joseph too tired to walk _aaaaaaall_ the way home?"

I cross my arms. This guy is kinda pissing me off. Why's he keeping tabs on Mine and Joseph's whereabouts? I mean, he _does_ live right next door, but what's his deal? "He's been having issues with Mary. I let him stay at my place. What's the big deal?"

He lets out a real laugh. "I'm just pulling your leg," he says, patting my back, a bit too roughly.

I shrug him off.

"All I wanna say is; be careful."

"Be careful?"

Robert nods, walking back towards his truck. "Joseph is… he's a real charmer, but a real heartbreaker. Don't go getting yourself hurt."

I furrow my brows, confused. I mean, he's not wrong. Joseph has sort of already broken my heart… but what is he talking about? I think back to the time he told me he didn't trust Joseph…

"Did something happen with you—"

He interrupts me again. "Doesn't matter. Just… be careful."

Robert goes back to working on his truck, ignoring my presence.

I awkwardly walk up the front lawn, and into my house.


	8. Welcome To The Cold Side Of The Pillow

**Chapter 8: Welcome To The Cold Side Of The Pillow**

 _AN: Soooo, I was sort of hating this story, but then I wrote this chapter and now I like it again. I probably won't be posting as much on this story as I'm trying to rebuild my literature and read more. I might post something new soon too idk._

 _Thanks for reading :)_

* * *

I throw myself down on the couch, immediately missing the superb lumbar support of Joseph's loveseat.

I look around my empty house, it feels like I'm looking at it for the first time ever. The curtains on the windows muffle the sunlight streaming in, creating a soft, warm glow. There's photos on the wall of Amanda, and of Alex. Little potted plants on the window sills, the coffee table—when was the last time those were watered? In front of the door is a pile of shoes. All of the furniture is worn out, and mismatching. There's a stack of dishes, messily arranged on the kitchen counter. What kind of dude lives here?

I live here. Alone, unfortunately.

My house isn't _physically_ empty—it's full of junk—however, there's no _presence_. I suddenly feel very isolated. I miss Joseph already.

I hear the angry rumble of an engine start. I look out the front window, and see Robert outside, cheering, presumably because he was able to fix whatever was causing his truck to need fixing.

Why would he tell me to be careful with Joseph? And honestly, what would compel him to pay enough attention to us to notice our sleep-over habits? He was definitely just joking around about 'the walk of shame', that guy jokes around about everything. I mean, he could have been pulling my leg the entire time; but something about the conversation we had tells me he wasn't. He was so… unyielding.

Even more seriously, how does he know about Joseph and I in the first place? Maybe he doesn't but… he definitely does. I guess he _does_ hang with Mary a lot. She must vent to someone about her terrible husband. Maybe that's why he wants me to be careful? Because Joseph broke _Mary'_ s heart?

Who knows.

I could talk to Joseph about it, but as it stands, he wants time apart. He told me that he needs space to figure stuff out. I'm nervous he'll decide to stay with Mary; but if that's what he decides… God, I hate Mary.

What am I supposed to do in the meantime? I don't even really know if—after Joseph and Mary's potential permanent split—Joseph will want to be with me. From what he revealed yesterday, I've gathered that he does, but he wasn't very intentional with his words. The emotions of the day kind of took that away from him. I also don't even know how long this uneasy limbo will last? What if it takes weeks for him to figure stuff out. Or months? Or years? Do I just sit around, waiting patiently for my knight in shining armour to finally sweep me off my feet? Are there ground rules? Do I check with him before making big decisions? Should I talk to him at all?

This situation is so messy and overwhelming.

After Alex died, I didn't date. I don't remember what's okay to do, and what's not okay to do. The basic rules of dating are a mystery to me-but I feel like one of them may be not to date someone who's married… but who am I to know? It's been twelve years since I've even kissed anyone (besides Joseph, obviously). All I can think about is spending time with Joseph, and kissing him, and holding him, and... _doing things_ with him. From my toes to the top of my head I'm filled with the need to be with him. To be able to love him, and have him love me back. To hold hands with him as we walk down the beach together, or share a milkshake in a cute diner. To undress him… Ugh, these thoughts are killing me.

I get so nervous around him. His presence is so large, it's overtaking. I'm in awe when I'm with him. Just the thought of him leaves me flustered. Am I fourteen again?

I wish he was mine.

I wish things between us were simple.

I decide this all a bit too much for right now, and despite it being noon, and sleeping over twelve hours last night, I'm in need of a good nap.

* * *

 _ **Bang Bang Bang!**_

I'm jolted awake and fall off the couch. Who the hell is pounding at the door? What time is it…?

I look at the clock above the TV.

 **8:16pm**

 _Shit!_ How did I sleep for eight hours?

Groggily, I stutter to the front door. I pull it open, rubbing my eyes. Robert stands on my porch, a gruff frown, hair frazzled.

"'Bout time you answer, I tried calling you nearly ten times!" He snorts, clearly pissed off.

"Yeah, uh, sorry-"

"Were you sleeping?" He interrupts me.

I nod, running my fingers through my hair, "sure was."

"Huh…" he grunts, scrunching his face. "Well, get cleaned up. My drinking buddy is unable to attend tonight, so you're gonna come out with me."

I pause, analyzing him to see if he's being serious. "Dude, it's _Tuesday_."

He starts spinning his hands around, confused. "Soooo…?"

I sigh and cross my arms. This guy isn't going to let up.

"Come on, I'll help get you all gussied up," Robert says, shoving me back into my house.

I get dressed and brush my hair. Robert watches, not willing to make small talk. He's kind of a weird dude. He's just sitting on my couch, responding to my cue's with grunts.

Anyways, I'm ready and we start our walk over to _Jim and Kim's._

"So, your drinking buddy?" I say, unsure of how to word what I'm unsure I'm trying to ask.

"Yeah, Mary."

That makes sense. They are always out at the bars together; and Joseph said she was staying with a friend in the city. But is he really that in need of someone to drink with… that he came to me? He was so cold towards me this morning.

"Ahhh," I say with a nod.

He grunts.

We walk in silence for a couple of minutes. The sun is starting to set; a sign of the approaching winter. Shorter days and longer nights soon to come. The air is warm and damp, as it always is in the summer on the island. It doesn't change much here in the winter. It gets a bit cooler and the air becomes more crisp, but other than that, we can usually always enjoy a nice stroll outside with nothing more than a light jacket.

I analyze Robert. He's looking a little more messy than usual. His hair is stringy and pushed around every which way. His shirt stained and wrinkled. He isn't even wearing his usual leather jacket; instead he has on a bomber jacket that looks like it was worn by a pilot in the first World War.

"What about _your_ drinking buddy?" Robert asks, almost sarcastically.

"What?" I say, startled, and also confused by his question.

"Y'know, your good ol' pal, Joseph?"

My heart sinks. "Oh. Yeah, he's uh… needs some time to himself."

Robert nods.

"He's also _not_ my drinking buddy," I say, a bit defensively.

Robert raises an eyebrow. "Hmph."

We reach the bar—empty and quite as expected at nine o'clock on a Tuesday night. Robert motions for me to snag a booth then goes up to the bar to get us some drinks. I sit in our usual one; back in the corner, close to the washroom. I haven't been out with Robert for a while, I'm a bit unnerved. In the summer, this was my usual evening setting—plus Mary on most occasions. As much as I hung out with the two of them, I never learned anything about them. They feel like strangers to me. I didn't even know Mary had a sister in the city until Joseph told me yesterday.

I know even less about Robert. I know he has a daughter. I don't know where she is, or her name or age, but I know she exists. I know he moved into the cul-de-sac a few years ago; and I _definitely_ know he doesn't like being called _Rob,_ and especially not _Robbie_.

Robert comes back to the table with a whisky on the rocks for both of us.

We sit, quietly sipping until, surprisingly, Robert is the first to break the silence.

"Thanks for coming out with me tonight, Arnold. I appreciate it." He gestures for a toast.

We clink glasses and both down the rest of our whisky.

"Yeah, of course. We haven't hung out in a while, it's nice to catch up," I whimper, I can't even convince myself that that's what's going on here. Catch up? We haven't even had a full fledged conversation yet.

Robert grunts in approval. "I'll get us something else."

He comes back with six shot glasses, masterfully intertwined between his ten fingers.

"I hope you don't have plans for the morning," he says, setting three of the glasses in front of me. He motions again for a toast.

We each take a shot. Whisky. Classic. It burns going down. Classic.

This is all too familiar. Those hot summer nights spent taking shots of whisky with this mysterious man. My undying pang of longing for Joseph… It's all coming back to me now.

He stretches his arms up in the air, letting out a small groan. It's kind of cute. With his head titled back, I notice a scar running along the underside of his jaw. It's about three, jagged inches long. He relaxes, then his body jolts; awoken by the whisky.

I contemplate asking him what his scar is from. He wasn't too fond of sharing on his tattoo, so I'm not sure if I should bother bringing it up. I decide to ask after we get more alcohol into us.

We take the the last two shots, one after another. I wince at the taste.

Robert chuckles, "pussy," and gets up with a smile to get us another round.

The gruff, dark man returns with two beers in tow. He smacks them down on the table, causing the foam to froth over the rim of the cups, and glide gently down the glass and onto the table. Roberts lifts his glass to his lips, revealing a ring of beer to match all the others stained on the old bar table. I raise my drink to take a sip as well.

After surveying Roberts dizzy actions, I deem it safe to ask about his scar.

He sets his cup down, grinning. "Hah! Here I thought you'd never ask!"

He reaches across the table and slaps my arm, knocking his beer over in the process.

"Shit!" He says, under his breath.

Soon enough a server is by with napkins and helps us mop up the mess.

"You sure you guys are still good to drink?" She questions us.

Robert assures her we are and hands her ten bucks.

"Sorry about that, Arnold." He says sheepishly, looking down at his wet pants.

I shrug, "happens.

"So you were asking about my scar-oh, thanks" Robert interrupts himself as the server sets another beer in front of him. "Well, let me tell you. So I was in highschool, there was this kid, he was a mean motherfucker. We called him _Crazy Big_. This one day, he starts messing' with my buddy, Jeremy. I tell Crazy Big to step off; he doesn't like that. He asks me if I _wanna go_. Of course I did. This guy was a complete loser. We go out to the parking lot, I square up, ready for a brawl, then he pulls out a knife." Robert pauses, gauging my reaction.

My eyes are wide, I'm sitting on the edge of my seat. I nod, trying to egg him on.

"See, I didn't want to get myself in a knife fight here. That wasn't my thing. Wouldn't have been fair. My knife skills are way above that of any simple folk. So I told him to put it away. He wasn't having it. I'm starting to walk away, give up on the kid, when he sloppily takes a slash at me. Got me right here." He lifts his chin and runs his finger along the scar. "Now, I wasn't about to lose either…" Robert becomes quiet then says, "let's just say he's not with us anymore."

My draw drops. I'm stunned. "Did you really-"

Robert bursts out laughing. "Man, did you just meet me? I'm kidding." He shakes his head. "I slipped in shower about ten years ago, smacked my jaw on the faucet. Had to get nine stitches."

I'm reduced to laughter as well. I missed Robert.

"I can't believe I fell for that."

Robert shaked his head. "Me either, buddy."

We continue drinking, and laughing. One, two, three… six more shots? And… two more beer?

I've lost count.

I'm spinning. I can't keep up with what Robert's saying. Everything is slow and fast at the same time. There's a pleasant contentment that comes along with being very very drunk. I smile, feeling completely at ease.

Robert begins asking me something, however I can't pick up what he's saying. I start laughing at myself.

"You've had enough there, pal?" Asks a female voice. I turn to look at the figure standing beside me. I'm brought back to reality. It's Mary.

"Hey, it's uh, Mary. I thought you were out of town?" Robert asks, uncomfortably.

I slide over, making room for her in the booth; as per usual. However, she stays standing, arms crossed instead.

"Mmm, see, I'm only staying an hour away, and last time I check, _Robert_ , we were drinking buddies. And what kind of drinking buddy _would I be_ if I left you hanging, even just for one night." She's holding it together pretty well, honestly, but I can still detect that Mary is completely smashed; as well as I. She must have hit a few other bars before making her way over here.

"Yeah, yeah, sit down," Robert motions towards the empty spot beside me.

Again, she stands her ground.

"However! Why would I be surprised, but to find both of my husband's little _boy-toys_ enjoying some nice drinks without me?"

Boy-toys? What is she talking about? How many bars _did_ she hit before coming here?

"Mary, that's enough, just sit down." Roberts tone is stern.

"What is it, _Robert_? Have you not told little Arnie here that he's not the _only_ homewrecker in the neighbourhood?"

Is she saying that… Are Robert and Joseph…

Robert stands up and grabs my arm. "Come on, Arnold. Let's go."

He begins pulling me out of the bar. Mary follows.

There is only about five other people here; we're definitely the centre of attention.

"Oh, _come on_ , Arnold. Did you think you were really _that_ special?" Mary spits her words, they hit me, stinging like poison.

I feel sick, my face becomes numb.

"Robert, are you... d-did you... with… with, Joseph?" I ask, my voice weak. It isn't helping that I'm drunk and slurring over my words.

He groans, "I'll tell you when we get home."

Is that why he told me to be careful? Joseph broke his heart too? I always just thought that Robert didn't like the guy. Y'know, peppy, happy, smiles a lot. They're so different. Robert is a brooding, broken man. Joseph doesn't seem like Roberts' type. Then again, Mary also said _I_ wasn't Joseph's type.

Wait… Joseph mentioned there had been times he came to the realization he was gay, but second guessed himself. Was this one of those times? Him and Robert?

Just as we step foot outside, Mary comes crashing down behind us, knocking over a couple chairs. Swiftly, Robert helps her up and drags her alongside me.

"Look's like I'm taking you home too."

Mary pulls herself away. "Not a chance, big boy." She waves a set of keys in the air. "My car is just around the corner."

Robert snatches the keys from her hands and puts them down his pants. "Are you _that_ fucked, Mary? No way are you driving somewhere. Get a grip!" He gives her a shove. I don't think I've ever seen Robert genuinely angry before. His lips are knotted, his eyebrows knitted above his eyes that are louring down at Mary.

"You think I'm too scared to go down there and-" Mary says, ignoring his genuine disappointment in her, and puts her hands on Roberts crotch.

"Get movin." He interrupts her and brings her along in-tow.

We stumble along in silence for awhile. The drunk leading the drunker.

Robert looks ahead, his face stone cold serious, ignoring Mary's flirty glances. It's weird. How he can he stand to be around the wife of the man who he had an affair with? Let alone spend every night drinking with her. I guess they can probably bond over their discontent for Joseph. Who else could Mary turn to about her disaster of a marriage?

"Are you really going to take me back to _Joseph_?" Mary protests.

"Sure am."

"The whole point of staying out of town was to, _stay out of town_."

"I guess you should've thought of that before you came _back_ to town and got hammered."

She avoids the accusation and after a moment, sighs. "If only getting a divorce was as easy as my husband."

Robert snickers. I do not.

Mary has this way of making me feel beside myself. She has this thing about her, where she becomes the most powerful person in the room, and her bad vibes wash over me like an ice cold shower. It might have something to do with the guilt of having a somewhat relationship with her husband. But who knows.

We make it to the cul-de-sac and walk to the Christiansens house.

"I can take it from here, cowboy," Mary says, wobbling up the front walk steps.

"Nope. I got you." Robert grabs her waist to steady her and begins walking her to the front door. "Uh, wait right here, Arnold."

Now that is something I can get behind: waiting right here.

Robert leans Mary against one of the pillars and rings the doorbell about twenty times.

"That'll wake him up," Mary chuckles to herself.

A few lights flick on, one after another through the windows. After a moment, the front door slowly creaks open, and a sleepy Joseph emerges in a housecoat. His coarse, blonde hair is tousled every which way, and his eyes hang heavy. My heart stutters. God, he looks sexy.

"Uh, Hi Robert, Mary." He scrunches his brows. He catches sight of me and we make brief eye contact. His eyes quickly flicker away. Ouch.

"Take your drunk wife." Robert says, pushing Mary towards him.

Mary stumbles into the house.

"Thanks for getting her home." Josephs tone is solemn.

They exchange nods and Joseph closes the door. I get a feeling this has happened many times before. A routine of sorts.

Robert sluggishly makes his way towards me and then drops his arm on my shoulder.

"Let's head back to my place, shall we? I guess I owe you some answers."


End file.
